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Unkle Munky Pg 53
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit." *Munky is also available here... ---- This week Munky is tipping... *Click here to play. Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) says - Dear Unkle Munky, I have taken the liberty of pixelating this week’s Munky tip trailer. I find it hard to believe that any of your readers would want to witness a couple of rabbits having sex in a public urinal! Unkle Munky says -''' Thank you Ms. Bumton for bringing this sexual anomaly to my attention. As a Munky I am quite liberal with regards to nudity and sex. I sometimes forget how uptight humans can be. Go on, get your tits out? ''Ms. Bumton replies - Fuck off Munky!'' ---- Munky's week starts with a complaint... Haley from East Lothian asks - Dear Unkle Munky, you recently advised me to smear a Chinese meal over a curry stain on my new carpet. Apparently, according to your inadequate counsel, said technique is meant to neutralise the aforementioned blemish? I am now in the process of renewing my three week old carpet as it is completely ruined and no mistake! Idiots like you should not be allowed on the internet, let alone given your own agony column. I for one will be voting for Claire Rayner at the forthcoming ‘Pantene Pro V Agony awards’! Good day! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Haley, I can only assume that you have me confused with another, less experienced, agony counsellor. I would recommend, on this occasion, that you think long and hard before voting for that triple chinned has been! ---- Ref. The previous query. ''Dear Unkle Munky, it was you. I recall the query in question as I remember thinking how fucked up your advice was. I hope this helps.'' 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ms. Bumton, I would appreciate it if you would get on with the duties that I have set aside for you! Your constant meddling in my professional counsel is becoming quite intolerable! This is a great start to the week and no mistake! ---- Bangin' Paul from Londonderry asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I currently play the drums for a local band of ill repute and was wondering how I might practise my techniques without disturbing my rather hostile neighbours? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Paul, simply wrapping your drumsticks in foam will put an end to your neighbours misery. ---- Tina from Durham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am still waiting for a reply to the question I posed regarding my boyfriend’s tendency to bring his work home with him. You have had me on-hold for almost four hours now and, to be quite frank, if I hear Celine Dion singing the theme from Titanic one more time I swear I’ll fucking drown myself. Please get a move and no mistake! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Tina, it is imperitive that I am not placed under any undue strain whilst correllating my wise Munky counsel. My impressive Sinclair ZX Spectrum (48K) data base programme has almost loaded and I hope to retrieve the relative information with regards to your problem within the hour. In the meantime I have instructed Ms. Bumton to indulge you with yet more soothing music. ---- This Week's Dyin' to tell ya... This week’s '''‘Dying to tell ya’ comes from Barbara Windsor. What are you ‘Dying to tell us’ this week Barbara? I’m 69 ya know? Unkle Munky says -''' Thanks Barbara. That’s just great. Barbara replies - Shall I get my tits out now? 'Unkle Munky says -' Ahem. No Barbara, that won’t be necessary. ---- Public Information. …I sincerely hope she’s washed that finger… ---- Ref. My STD. ''Dear Unkle Munky, I would appreciate you not bringing the subject of my weeping vagina up whenever there is a lull in agony! My gonorrhea, as you well know, was successfully treated months ago. Your somewhat rigorous poster campaign has caused me untold psychological damage! I cannot begin to describe my embarrassment at having to commute to work everyday on a bus bearing my face and the words, ‘Emma Bumton - The face of gonorrhea 2007′ I would suggest, on this occasion, that you shut the fuck up and concentrate on answering Tina’s query regarding her boyfriend’s habit of bringing his work home. The poor woman has now been on-hold for five and a half hours!'' 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ms. Bumton, I am the first to admit that agony seems a little thin on the ground of late. To be quite frank, I’ll be glad when it’s winter, the suicide season is far more rewarding for a munky of my calibre and no mistake! It may have escaped your notice, but 2007 is far from over. Your contract with the sexually transmitted disease known as gonorrhea has approximately eight months left to run! I was merely reminding my reader of your active involvement with the aforementioned disease. As to Tina’s query: Sadly, I have had cause to restart the ZX Spectrum’s Datacorder due to an oversight whilst preparing my early morning toasty treat. We really need to get more electrical sockets in this place and no mistake. I would suggest, on this occasion, that you palm her off again with that Careless Whimper song. ---- The Holy Snail. Steve from Orkney asks - Dear Unkle Munky, after ten long years of searching, I think I may have finally found the holy rail! Shall I write to my local newspaper first or go straight to The Beano? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Steve, a little more research on your part might have been advisable. The mysterious Holy artifact of which you speak is in fact a snail, not a rail. ''Ms. Bumton adds - Dear Unkle Munky, it would appear to me that both yourself and Steve form Orkney are talking bollocks. The mysterious holy artifact of which you speak is neither a rail or a snail! It is, in fact, a grail and can be found next to our cups in the kitchen area of Munky HQ. And now, if you do not mind, I have eyeliner to apply. Good day!'' ---- '''Holy Grail Discovered in Unkle Munky’s Kitchen!!! Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor/General assistant) says - Dear Unkle Munky, I’ve just had the pope on the phone. He is demanding that we give him his holy grail back. Apparently it is blasphemous to use said artifact as a milk jug. What shall I tell him? Unkle Munky says -''' Jeezus, all of this over a jug! Tell him he can have it back if he replaces it with a new one. ---- Watership Down. Claire from Leighton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend’s favourite film is Watership Down. Shall I finish with him? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Claire, ‘Watersports Town’ is one of my favourite films too. I can see no justifiable reason as to why this choice of film should warrant such a severe reaction from you good self! ---- Ref. Watership Down. ''Dear Unkle Munky, your previous agoniser was referring to the animated rabbit related film in which a group of bunnies search for a new home. She was definitely NOT referring to that disgraceful eighteen certificate porno dvd in which various naked young ladies get peed on by horrible blokes with too much body hair!'' 'Unkle Munky replies -' Ahem. Well in that case, perhaps she should dump the weirdo! ''Ms. Bumton adds - I give up!'' ---- Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Prince of ‘Purple Rain’ fame is so small that he actually sleeps in a matchbox? Or, as I suspect, is my mate pulling my plonker again? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Warren, on this occasion I must question your friend’s counsel. The artist formerly known as Prince is indeed a petite fella, but to suggest that he sleeps in a matchbox is perhaps a little extreme. I have consulted my 1989 book of ‘Pop stars who disappeared up their own arses’, and can confirm that his purple highness actually sleeps in a shoebox. I hope this helps. And now, if you do not mind, I have a crying dove to console. Good day! ''Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor/general assistant) adds - Dear Unkle Munky, you seem to have uploaded a picture of Prince William by mistake.'' 'Unkle Munky replies -' Dear Ms. Bumton, I find your interjection with regards to Prince’s new look extremely offensive. As a struggling artist he has a right to express himself in any way that he sees fit. If that means dressing up like Prince William, then so be it! Really Ms. Bumton! I expected far better from you and no mistake! ---- Dear Ms. Bumton, is Tina from Durham still on-hold with regards to her query? ''Ms. Bumton says - Yes Munky. She has been on-hold since Monday morning. Has the ZX Spectrum (48K) Datacorder loaded the relative information yet with regards to her week old enquiry?'' 'Unkle Munky replies -' Unfortunately the ZX Spectrum (48K) was unplugged this morning by the cleaning lady. The whole loading process was restarted again at 9.30am and I expect to have answers by next Thurday. I would recommend, on this occasion, that you indulge Tina with some classic Nirvana karaoke whilst she waits… ''Ms. Bumton adds - Dear Unkle Munky, it would appear that she has hung up.' The ungrateful cow! ---- The Final Word. This week’s final word goes to the silent movie star, Charlie Chaplin… ---- Unkle Munky is also available here... ---- Next... Previous... Return to Munky Menu...